Luna: The Real Soccer Moms of Beaver County Read online

  “Yes, I’m serious. All you’ve done since you’ve come home is get your hair done and go out with Clancy. When you do show up, you’re complaining and swearing. All you’ve ever had is your looks and your power over people, and I’m sorry Blanche but that s-h-i-t isn’t going to cut it in Beaver Falls anymore. You aren’t the reigning Miss Beaver, and quite frankly, your beaver is old and it’s time that you sit it out!”

  Blanche opened her mouth to speak, but I cut her off. “Listen, I don’t want to hear what you have to say unless you’re asking me how you can help me file. It’s time to s-h-i-t or get off the pot. So you didn’t get what you wanted in L.A.? Now you come home and expect us all to be at your beck and call? Sorry, not going to happen anymore! You either help me work or you get out and find something else.”

  Blanche stood up slowly. I thought she was going to say something but instead she left the room, slamming the door behind her.

  Which only left me, two screaming kids, and a hell of a lot more work to do.

  Chapter 7

  Going Hunting

  After one hell of a day, all I wanted to do was go and put my feet up.

  But no, it was another night of soccer practice.

  I thought after the last game, maybe Brady would volunteer to take the kids, but he was nowhere to be found.

  Moira and Harry were waiting in the parlor of the funeral home when I finally gathered all of the kids.

  “Ma, is Sadie walking with us to practice?” Harry asked, looking up at Moira with those big green eyes.

  Moira went to a taxidermy convention and met a guy in a One Direction cover band. After a few too many daiquiris, she wound up pregnant with Harry, who was now a spitting image of the boy bander he was named after.

  Moira offered a small smile to Harry. “I think she’s walking with Queenie and Annie”

  Harry rolled his eyes. “I hope her bitch mom didn’t say anything bad about me.”

  Moira’s eyes widened. “Harry! Where did you learn that kind of language?”

  Harry shrugged. “Sadie says that all the time. She says her mom is the biggest bitch, and the only good thing about Beaver Falls is that someday Sadie will be crowned Miss Beaver like her mommy and Nana.”

  “Maybe you’ll just have to show her that there’s more to life than being Miss Beaver,” Moira said with a small smile, mussing up his shaggy brown hair.

  We walked toward the fields with the kids running ahead of us, except for Ole who stayed snuggled in my Moby wrap.

  “Do you think you should try and talk to Blanche? Maybe pass an olive branch?” I asked Moira.

  Moira glared at me. “Really? The girl hasn’t changed since high school. Even you can admit that one. She’s always been about her looks and men. I remember when I tried out for A squad and she told everyone that the foreign chick would make A squad look like C squad. I went to the locker room crying and Doug consoled me…more than once.”

  “Ew, I really don’t want to hear about you and Douchey Doug, and you knew he was with Blanche. Why sleep with a taken guy?” I wrinkled my nose.

  She sighed. “I don’t know, because I was a stupid, hormonal teen girl that wanted to get back at Blanche?”

  “Well, now we’re grown-ups. I’m sure we can all get along,” I said more to myself than to her.

  Maybe I should have apologized to Blanche too.

  Maybe.

  But once we get to the soccer field and Blanche stared at me with that bitch face, while perching on the top bleacher next to Queenie like some Reality TV princess, I went right back into bitch mode.

  Harry and Saige immediately ran toward Annie and Sadie, smiling like they didn’t have a care in the world.

  They didn’t have to worry about working for everyone in the funeral home or a husband who was possibly cheating.

  Coach Miles blew his whistle, that I swear sounded like a dying cat and all of the kids line up.

  “You going to go in there and takeover coaching, Rocky?” Moira asked, bumping my shoulder.

  “That was a onetime thing. I’ve been under a lot of stress, okay?” I said, bouncing Ole as he started to fuss.

  Coach Miles clapped his hands together and I watched Moira practically salivate over him.

  I guess he was attractive, if you’re into that whole geeky thing with shaggy hair and a long, lean body. He kind of reminded me of all of those guys on superhero movies. The ones before they got bit by a spider or struck by lightning and they were still nerds.

  Maybe it was also because I’d never been with anyone besides Brady Morningwood, the all-American boy with his short brown hair and emerald eyes.

  But what if I wasn’t enough for him anymore? What if now he found greener grass on another field?

  “Honey are you crying? Moira asked.

  I swiped under my eyes, wiping away the fresh moisture. “No. It’s just my allergies acting up.”

  Immediately Moira’s arm was around my shoulder, pulling me to her.

  Blanche may have hated the girl, but I loved her as one of my best friends. She’d cried with me through all four of my pregnancies and even her own. She made working at the funeral home actually fun with someone to laugh with and not just stare at dead bodies all day.

  “Hey, why don’t we head over to Clancy’s place tomorrow during our lunch? Maybe we can see what’s going on with him and Brady then?” Moira asked.

  I sniffled and nod. “Okay. We can do that.”

  “Mommy, did you see that kick?” I heard Saige yell.

  I looked behind me to see my sweet little boy with his toothless smile and Coach Miles on the ground, holding his crown jewels.

  “I’ll go check on him…” Moira said with a smile on her lips.

  “You go get ‘em, Tiger.”

  Chapter 8

  Stakeout Part One

  I watched the minutes on the clock tick by and they were taking forever.

  Thinking I should wait for Blanche to get back so someone could watch the phones, by the time she was ten minutes over her normally half-an-hour lunch time, I finally said “fuck it” and got up.

  When I walked into the taxidermy wing, Moira was elbow deep in a French poodle.

  “Um, are you too busy for a lunch break?” I raised an eyebrow.

  Moira turned around, her large black-framed glasses making her eyes look three times their normal size. “Lemme just clean up and I can finish stuffing one of Mr. Czermack’s prized poodles when we get back. I swear, he’s had like ten of them die on him since we started this business.”

  “Yeah, make sure to wash and sanitize. Really well,” I said, wrinkling my nose.

  Moira smirked and turned toward the small bathroom, going in, and emerging only a few minutes later, all cleaned up with her boobs again practically popping out of her little dress.

  I turned out of the room and we walked in step to the hearse, deciding against commenting on her outfit.

  Everything in Beaver Falls was walking distance: the grocery store, church, and of course school. We had the minivan for bigger trips, but of course Brady took that, so taking the hearse was our only other option.

  “Do you think it’s morbid we’re driving this?” Moira asked, sliding into the passenger seat.

  “What? You don’t like the plush red leather interior? Do you prefer beaver fur and guts?” I asked, pulling out of the driveway.

  “Ha, ha, you’re very funny. Where are we going anyway?”

  I turned off Beaverton Boulevard and headed west toward Dollywood. “Clancy’s.”

  “Why do we want to see that one-nutted guy? Don’t tell me that you invited me in for a ménage to get back at Brady. I told you I only did it that one time, and it was because I was low on rent money and that couple in Dollywood offered me a lot.”

  “Ew! No!” I screeched. “And that’s just gross.”

  “Hey, a grand’s a grand.”

  I gave her the side eye. “Someone in Dollywood seriously paid you a grand to have a
threesome?”

  “Can we not talk about this and you answer my first question? Why the hell are we going to Clancy’s?”

  I sighed. “Brady’s been hanging out with him an awful lot, saying that he’s doing jobs for him. Brady is a great guy and good with his hands at some things, but we know he’s a half ass carpenter and no way Clancy would use him unless he was super desperate.”

  Moira snorted. “Okay, you have a point.”

  We headed down the road in the direction of Dollywood then turned off a side road near one of the local Catholic churches that hung out right on the border of the two towns.

  Clancy’s house came into view with his black truck still in the driveway and the minivan nowhere in sight.

  I should have expected Blanche’s damn Escalade to be parked there, but I found myself gritting my teeth as I looked at those damn spinner wheels that her has-to-be-a-douche ex husband put on there.

  “What the hell is Blanche doing here?” OH MY GAWD, is she hooking up with One-Nutted-Clancy?” Moira yells.

  I winced and Moira smacked my arm. “Oh my gawd, she is and you knew!”

  Moira sunk back in her seat as I turned the hearse around and headed back toward town. “That explains why Clancy’s been at soccer practice and really interested in everything Sadie’s doing.”

  “You know he’s had a thing for Blanche forever,” I mumbled.

  “Yeah, tell me about it. I saw him one night at the Eager Beaver. It was karaoke night and my mom finally got off her ass and watched the kids, so I went out. He was there doing shots, and I offered to let him buy me my next drink. He turned me down flat. What an asshole.”

  I shrugged. “Maybe he just didn’t like you saying he should buy you a drink.”

  “Please, Luna, I know you’ve never really been in the dating pool, but if a half-dressed woman approaches a guy and says anything, he’s bound to drop his tighty-whities and fuck her in the bathroom.”

  Wrinkling my nose, I turned back onto Beaverton Boulevard and went toward the funeral home. “Well, thanks for that enlightening info, but that’s about the only thing we got out of this little stakeout. Except for the fact that my husband is not at Clancy’s and possibly out shopping for expensive furniture with some hussy.”

  Moira put her hand on mine. “Luna, babe, you know I love you. You and your mother-in-law have been here for me when no one else was in this godforsaken town. Hell, if Queenie wasn’t living in the back guest house, then you and Brady, I think she would have had me and the kids move in.”

  “What does that have to do with anything?”

  Moira squeezes my hand. “What I’m trying to say is that you’re being a little crazy. I know a thing or two about men. I may not have made the best choices when it comes to who I hook up with, but I know that you’ve made good choices. Brady is one hell of a guy and would never do anything to hurt you or your family.”

  I sucked in a deep breath. “Yeah, he is a good guy.”

  Brady was and always has been, the best of the best. But people can change.

  Moira was proof of that, in going from the girl that I thought was the town whore, to one of the greatest mothers and most loyal friends I could ever ask for.

  Her mom had her when she was only a teen, so becoming a grandma under forty wasn’t in her plans, and Moira was left to raise Brannigan and then Harry alone. She took taxidermy classes in high school and Grandma Morningwood helped pay for her to get accreditation at University of Iowa to open a taxidermy wing at the funeral home.

  I’ve watched Moira deal with Douchey Doug not paying child support on certain months and she had to tell the kids that they’d have to deal with bologna sandwiches for lunch, and months that she gets a little extra and spent it all on new clothes for the kids. They were her entire world.

  Just like I really deep down hoped that me and the kids were Brady’s.

  Chapter 9

  I’m A Cool Mom

  “Am I cool mom, Luna?” Moira asked as we made our way to the kids’ second soccer game.

  “What? Why would you even ask that?” I glanced at her over my shoulder. Ole pawed at my boob, but I didn’t want to walk and nurse then trip over something.

  “Brannigan hates me.” Moira sighed.

  “Is it because you’re screwing her History teacher and her brother’s soccer coach?” I raised my eyebrows.

  “I’m not screwing Miles!”

  “Oh, you two are on a first name basis! Not even Coach.” I bumped her shoulder.

  Moira rolled her eyes.

  “Okay, sorry. But really, you stare at the guy like he’s a piece of meat and he looks at you with equal “fuck me” eyes. Why not just go for it? It’s never stopped you with a guy before.”

  “That’s exactly why. I’ve had a lot of hook ups. Hell, Doug and I couldn’t make anything work and we had a kid together. I remember after I told him I was pregnant, his mom made us try to date. That was a disaster and Blanche slashed his tires the first time we went out to dinner. And honestly that was the best part of the whole ordeal. I just don’t do relationships and if I fuck things up with Harry’s coach, then what happens to him?”

  “Obviously I’m not the best with relationship advice either,” I muttered.

  “Get anything out of Blanche about Clancy, oh and Brady?”

  “No. She breezed back into the office about an hour after we got back and then went on pretending to do something on the computer until Grandma Morningwood asked her to help with flower arrangements for old man Spahn’s funeral.

  “Old man Spahn died? Oh man, how did I miss that memo?”

  “Apparently he was trying to give a striptease to his wife, fell and broke his hip, and never really recovered.”

  Moira shook her head. “Once a stripper, always a stripper. Even at 100.”

  “Yeah. I wish Brady and I had a love like theirs.” I sighed.

  “Please, Luna. You guys have been together since the beginning of time and still screw like rabbits. If that isn’t love then I don’t know what is.”

  “But we haven’t…you know…since the night before Ole was born. That’s almost three months. What if he really has found someone else in that time?”

  Moira put her arm around me. “Luna, I think maybe your sex deprived brain is really making things up. Tonight, after the game, send the kids to your mom’s and spend some sexy time with your husband. Then you’ll know what’s really up.”

  I sighed. “Maybe.”

  We made our way to the field where Harry and Saige ran to their other friends and started kicking their balls around.

  Mile’s waved at us and Moira shyly waved back before we set up our chairs next to the bleachers.

  “Hey, stop flirting and focus. Did you remember snack duty today?” I asked.

  Moira’s eyes widened. “Shit. I’ll run to the Piggly Wiggly and pick something up.”

  She immediately turned and started heading in the other direction. “None of that high fructose corn syrup stuff!”

  “What are you going on about?”

  I turned around to see Blanche and Queenie, setting up their chairs next to ours.

  “Nothing,” I mumbled, taking my seat and finally whipping out my boob to feed Ole.

  “Kitten, at least cover up those things if you’re going to whip them out every chance you get.” Queenie tossed me a blanket and I situated it over my side.

  “Ole is just going to kick this off,” I grumbled.

  “At least it’ll give me a few minutes without your tits. I swear, that baby gets more action than any of us. Well any of us but Blanche, Meowwww!” Queenie made a cat claw just as Clancy walked up with a gallon of water and an economy bag of chips.

  “We have snack duty today, right Blanche?” He asked, flashing a megawatt smile.

  I stared open-mouthed at the half-ass snacks. “What the s-h-i-t is this?”

  Blanche smirked. “Luna, you’ve seen Clancy around. He was helping me pick up snacks for the game.�
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  I huffed and stood up, the blanket falling on the chair beside me. “First off, if you would even bother reading the schedule, you’d know that it was Moira’s week, and second off, this is kids soccer. They don’t need this water in BPA plastic and high calorie chips! They need electrolytes to fuel their body after the game and a healthy, protein snack that isn’t going to leave them sluggish!”

  “Calm down, Luna, Clancy’s new at all of this. I’m sure one of us can run to the Piggly Wiggly and get something else,” Blanche said, putting one hand on Clancy’s and squeezing it.

  I opened my mouth to say something then heard the whistle blow and looked at the lineup on the field.

  Saige sat on the sidelines next to Annie, and Harry was in his spot as sweeper.

  Harry one of the worst kids on the team.

  “What is this shit? Who let Harry play Saige’s spot?” I yelled, much louder than I intend to.

  “Luna, honey, calm down. I have something that’ll help ease your troubles.” Queenie waved his full tumbler that I could smell the alcohol wafting from.

  “No, just because Moira sucks a little dick doesn’t mean that her son can take mines spot!”

  A loud splash came from behind me and I whirled around to see an entire case of Gatorade and kale chips on the ground with a fuming Moira behind me.

  “What. The. Hell,” Moira said through gritted teeth.

  “You heard what I said,” I growled.

  Blanche was practically salivating as she stared between the two of us.

  Before any rumbles could happen, Queenie stepped between us and put a hand on each of us. “Timeout, ladies. This has gone far enough.”

  Queenie glared at me. “Luna. Take the kids to Grandma Morningwood’s or your mom’s tonight. We’re going out.”

  “But…”

  Queenie shook his head. “We’re ALL going out and no exceptions.” He looked down at Blanche whose face goes a new shade of white.

  “I don’t know about this…” Moira said.

  Queenie put his arm around each of us. “Trust me, kitties, this will be good for all of us.”